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So usually I hate the holidays. They're stressful, full of mixed feelings, and covered by a huge facade of boxes with ribbons and sometimes fake smiles. This holiday season though, I'm starting to re-invent the idea of family and re-evaluating all the things I normally look past.
I always say how I hate it in Southern California, how I wish I was somewhere else, doing something else. I've got this weird, and amazing feeling though, of content in my life as I look around and see what's really there and who is really in it. I'm just a server at Norms, I'm just a B college student at a low-tier school, I'm just one of four roommates (almost five sometimes) in a small, over-priced two bedroom apartment. There aren't a whole lot of people I would consider my close friends. But it's more than that.
I've lived here long enough that I'm finding something I've never really had before - a sense of community, a place that really is my home. There's an old Hispanic man that works the 7/11 near my house during graveyards. For over a year now I've been seeing him there almost every other day, and he's always happy and he always makes us laugh. My neighbors and I all know each other, and while we're a very motley mixed up crew (from the meth addict (30 days clean!) to the divorced father of two, to the vaguely sophisticated middle-aged couple, and our next door neighbors freshly out of college) we all get along really well and have a good time throughout the year. At my job, it might not be amazing or much, but all my coworkers are fun to be around and the people that go in and out of the restaurant are definitely an interesting bunch to see.
I've been looking around and I've been finding that no, I'm not just working a shitty job, I'm living and for now I'm glad to be there. MY life isn't perfect, and it never will be. I'll always have dreams and aspirations. But for now, where I am is really just fine. I love my girlfriend, my roommate is like the older brother I never had, and even though none of the people I'm around are related to me they're still like family, and you know what - it's good.
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"Save me because I'm fucked up and can't help myself.
Save me because I have no power.
Save me because only God can change my life.
Tell me to forget about ever changing this world
because I can't anyway, so I might as well fuck it all until I die"

and people actually buy that shit. What a fucked up mess we've gotten ourselves into.
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Everyone who's famous had to suck somebody's dick to get where they are today. Only difference between us and them is, we swallowed.

Who wants to see MSI in October? Pick me.
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You know, sometimes I'm bitter he's bitter she's bitter and they're bitter about sex.

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

Sometimes I'm happy she's happy he's happy and they're happy about sex.

sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

Sometimes we're jealous or frustrated or confused or scared or grossed out about sex.

So really, what is it about sex?

he's a slut she's a slut, they are prudes, I don't know, we're confused no one wants to talk about and everyone wants to talk about sex.

sex. sex. sex. sex. sex.
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I have a job now. I go to work, I watch TV, I go to church every sunday (I even taught sunday school last week). I'm about to enroll in my third year of college. I'm changing my major to a liberal arts degree. In 10 years i think I might have kids. I might be a PTA mom. I might drive a fucking SUV. I might hold an average job. I'm learning how to cook. I'm trying to make one dinner every week. I have a monogomous relationship. I'm trying to have a functional relationship with my parents.

Dare I say I've become... normal?

No. Not really.

My life is still a little weird. But maybe that is normal.

Anyway, I've been working out a lot of random personal issues. I started to change some of the things I do and really look at why I do them. I'm tired of being depressed all the time. So I'm changing what I can and letting go of what I can't.

And you know what? It's working.

My life isn't as exciting as it used to be, well not exciting in the ways it used to be, but my life is good. And more importantly, It's MY life and I'm starting to take charge of it, and it feels good.

So here's to going against the grain of all those angsty, dramatic, I-Hate-My-Life posts that get thrown onto this page. Here's to me starting to sit down and work it all out. Here's to my mostly normal (although slightly quirky), somewhat boring life.

Yes. I can drink to that.
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Using discretion in conversation is key.

Seriously. Tactfully omitting information based on the people one is with is something I appreciate greatly.
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and when it's all said and done, you know what, she loves me. and that's all I really ever cared about in the first place.
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life is ridiculous.
I'm ridiculous.

I keep getting myself hurt and I don't know how the fuck I do it. It's like there's never really a good choice. There's a bad choice. and a mediocre choice. and an ok choice sometimes. but good choices, a really good deal... well, I really haven't found one yet.

I feel very strained. I feel like I don't give a shit anymore. Do what you gotta do and let the rough end drag. I like that idiom. it's very true.

letting go and losing control is a very scary place to be. But I don't really have anywhere else to go.

I'm not too worried I guess. Things will get better. They'll probably get worse before that, and probably again after that, but at some point things will get better.

So here's to those little moments of simple happiness that keep us all from completely fucking ourselves over. Because, as Cori said it: people are cunts, and life is a bitch.

So all hail to chocolate milk, good books, sunny days, alcohol, sidewalk chalk, and good company. May you live forever.
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I thought I'd update that I am now out of my emo breakdown phase finally. It only took like 10 blogs/rants/annoying conversations where I discuss all of my feelings to my roommate. Either way I'm done with the "WTF" updates from my family and I mostly finished/got caught up on everything in school I needed to catch up on. And I'm not feeling like a completely useless whore at the moment. Which is good. I may be a slightly lazy bastard but i can get the job done.

Me: "I know I've found the love of my life when I say 'let's go on a date to Mcdonald's and play in the playplace and then browse the vintage stores downtown for rare 33/vinyl albums, and you're just as enthused as I am'"

Jennifer: "Dude, yes... and Mcdonald's playplaces are the shit."

and this was directly after annoying the shit out of my roommate for 15 minutes because jennifer and I had a battle on the couch -> "Meghan, give me my nose back!"

Yeah. I know I'm perpetually 12. So is my 22 year old girlfriend. We're hot.
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My step dad may have colon cancer. My mom's still divorcing him. I've started to hate my dad for no real reason except that I don't have a decent relationship with him, am done trying to have a decent relationship with him, and the way he talks about his life and other things just makes me feel depressed. I'm still anxious about how I'm going to succeed in life, and school is one big headache.

I like alcohol but it really doesn't like me.

and now that I have made my life sound insanely depressing I can go figure it out and have a good time.

I love and respect my mom, my girlfriend, and my friends. I don't know what I would do without them.
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